Big Bag of Crap, Bill

How the money given to Department of Defense doesn't go to the people that matter

I have been trying to wrap my head around this newly passed “Big, Beautiful Bill.”

I’m appalled by the majority of it. I’m worried for two of my kids who use state funded health care (which is partially funded by the federal government). I think of the millions of people about to lose food off of their table because their SNAP benefits are going to be taken away or cut. And trust and believe- most people who use SNAP wish they didn’t have to use it. But it provides a teeny tiny bit of ease in one aspect of a person’s budget and I’m good with paying taxes for that. Because I was once a user of SNAP during a dark time in our family’s life and it made a world of difference for us. Thank GOD I at least didn’t have to worry about buying food, just had to scramble to pay the mortgage, utilities, credit cards, etc.

But what has me in tears in reflection this morning is this part of the bill:

The House-passed bill, prior to engrossment, would have provided approximately $150.3 billion in FY2025 mandatory funding for defense. The Congressional Budget Office estimated this version of the bill as resulting in outlays that would increase federal deficits by $144 billion from FY2025 to FY2034. On June 11, 2025, the House agreed to an engrossment correction to H.R. 1 (H.Res. 492) reducing proposed new budget authority in the engrossed version of Title II by a total of $2.6 billion to $147.7 billion (see Table 1). Meanwhile, the updated SASC chair-released version of H.R. 1 Title II published on June 25, 2025, would provide approximately $156.2 billion for defense.

Really? Really???!!!!

Guess who the department of defense is NOT giving that money to: veterans. Wounded veterans. Families of wounded veterans.

And I probably sound like a bitter Betty, but when I think of how hard Bob even had to GET his disabled diagnosis, not to mention situations I have gone through since he passed, I am offended that the DOD gets 150 BILLION dollars in a bill- yet it’s not being spent on the people that MAKE the DOD. The grunts.

For those who perhaps don’t have much experience with the military, let me tell you, it’s broken.

While your loved one is actually serving, especially in a war zone, I gotta say the benefits are decent. The pay is increased, the housing allowance is increased, people fawn all over the family- our family was blessed by I cannot tell you how many gifts during Bob’s two deployments. People adopting our family for Christmases (I didn’t seek it out- it was usually a friend of a friend situation who knew us and nominated us to be the recipient). It was lovely and generous. Especially living in a state like Oregon, which has no military base. Bob was not active duty as a job- he was a reservist. I did not have a bunch of other wives/spouses that I lived next to, where we could support each other, babysit for each other, vent, etc.

But once they’re home? As Chappell Roan would say, “Good Luck, Babe” getting some help.

Bob died of acute alcoholism/cirrhosis of the liver which was caused by war induced PTSD. This is listed on his death certificate.

But the hoops he had to jump through to get that PTSD disabled status was unreal. As a veteran you have to fill out heaps of paperwork that goes on and on and on. Then months, or years, will go by, and you are interviewed by a panel and a psychologist, who will decide if you are indeed, affected by PTSD. They review your own narrative as the soldier, as well as doctors notes, ER visits, therapist notes. And even if you’ve attempted suicide, have told your therapist you have no reason to live, if you’ve been fired from jobs for being unable to do your work,- you still will not be diagnosed as 100% disabled the first time through the cycle. You simply will not.

The first time Bob was diagnosed by the VA, he was diagnosed at 50%. Even though he had been fired from his job, we lost our main income, health insurance, he was drinking a pint of vodka most nights, had received a DUI, spent time in jail, and attempted suicide twice. He was inpatient with the VA for several days and had been though rehab once. Nope, you’re only 50% disabled.

He appealed, redid the process, and eventually (months and months later) award 70%. I also had to go before the panel and testify to his behavior and how it affected our family. It was humiliating in a lot of ways.

I believe at this time he hired someone to help him negotiate this maze of confusion. I believe it was a Veteran’s attorney. (I kind of stayed out of it- I was working 40 hours a week AND trying to manage the household - 3 kids- 2 dogs- a disabled husband). It was then, and only then, after FOUR YEARS of navigating and fighting with the system, that he was diagnosed as 100% disabled.

During this time we were waiting, he went to rehab another time after another suicide attempt, which was in front of one of our kids. But the VA didn’t deem him disabled from PTSD. It’s been 8 years and as I write this I have tears running down my face and my chest feels tight and my stomach hurts.

This is how our Vets are treated. Even Veterans with an external disability- like say they lost a leg- they will NOT be automatically flagged as 100% disabled in the system.

Once he had that 100% status with the VA, I was able to get health care through the military, and our kids got health care (but only til age 23 and they have to be enrolled in school), our kids got the free college for 4 years (at a public university), and Bob could qualify to get disability from social security administration.

For a time line- he started all of this disability rating stuff in 2013. It was April 2017 when he was finally deemed 100% disabled. His two tours in Iraq were in 2004-2006; and 2009-2010. He lived for approximately 12 years carrying the weight of what he did and witnessed in 2005, which was when his first incident occurred in Iraq that he was deeply ashamed of. Which haunted him. Which he had agonizing regret over.

One story I am comfortable sharing is this:

His job during his first tour, was basically to keep their base safe. They did patrol around the base and in nearby villages. The local kids would come to the gates almost daily and ask for candy, or shoes, or school supplies, and the guys loved being able to give the kids these things when they had them. A lot of the guys had kids at home, and they missed them. Helping these local kids gave them some of that ‘dad’ satisfaction of helping innocents.

While doing patrol, someone observed some shady behavior at a former orphanage- it was decided that some ‘bad guys’ were hanging out in there and likely wanted to harm the ‘good guys’. So an air strike was called in.

It was a mistake.

The bad guys weren’t in there.

But kids were.

And Bob and his guys had to go in, and clean up.

Did he call the strike? No. But he was part of the team that called it, and to go in and have to clean up these innocent children’s remains haunted him. Of course it did. He would be inhumane if it didn’t.

And I know there were many other incidents he did NOT share with me. And it took him 7-8 years to even tell me this. I didn’t know. We fought so much about how distant he was, how much he drank, he he’d get mad over the stupidest stuff. It was starting to make sense, but by the time I knew, so much damage had been done to our relationship.

Now. The real slap in the face by the Veteran’s Administration.

Bob died in February 2018.

He had been diagnosed as 100% disabled with PTSD- a mental health diagnosis- in April of 2017. In the fall of 2017 he forgot to pay his life insurance premium with the VA. And they wouldn’t reinstate it- I remember him talking about it and being worried, but at the time, I was like ‘whatever, I can barely live with you anymore”. I didn’t realize he was months from death, and like the naive person I could be, I just assumed it would get taken care of.

It didn’t.

So when he died, with PTSD on the death certificate, therefore the VA was obligated to pay me benefits until I die or remarry (newsflash- I’m not legally married to my current partner even though we had a ceremony- if I marry him before I am 57, I lose my health benefits. How about them apples). An aside- THANK GOD for one of Bob’s veteran friends who called me immediately (the night of Bob dying after I posted on social media)- and said, “Get the doctor to put PTSD on the death certificate. It will make everything with the VA go smoother if his service related disability is on the death certificate.” Thank GOD for this man to tell me this- I called the doctor the next day to ask this and he agreed- he knew that a man of Bob’s age, and let’s face it, class, doesn’t die of cirrhosis without something mentally wrong with him. With the help of a VFW volunteer walking me though the process, I was able to get most of my benefits with relative ease.

But the life insurance? Nope. I got a flat $30,000 that any retired Vet (of more than 20 years service), gets.

Have you been 45 years old, with 3 kids living at home, with a $2,000 a month mortgage? And if your spouse died, would their life insurance at least give you some breathing room? I hope so. Have a conversation with your loved ones if you’re not sure. Before Bob forgot to pay the premium, I would have received $300,000, along with the $30,000. But because he, as a mentally disabled person BECAUSE of his service to this country, forgot to pay ONE premium, we all suffered even more so.

I asked one of our Oregon senators, Jeff Merkeley, if anything could be done. He was at a town hall meeting a few months after Bob’s passing and I directly told him my story- he was in tears. Fake or not, he did bring his assistant over to get my information and she did a ton of research for me to see if there were ANY loopholes.

Nope.

So, by the grace of my parents, I was able to pay off my debt and afford my mortgage payments and stay in the house until my youngest child graduated high school. (A lot of death benefits end when your minor children turn 18, even though she still lived at home and depended on me just as much as she did when she was 17).

I think I need to perhaps lobby that if a soldier is deemed disabled of mental health illness, that their life insurance premiums be automatically deducted from their paychecks. I mean, honestly.

But Trump and all of his republican cronies can approve a bill which will give 150 billion dollars MORE, to the military. To do what exactly.

Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I am. But as one little person whose husband died prematurely (he was 48) because of shit he did on behalf of this county- and couldn’t get a PITTANCE of that money because of a mistake….. I am sick. Let’s create more power, more destruction, build more stuff that likely won’t even work- but not take care of the people who make all of it happen. Let’s start more wars in the middle east that will go nowhere- but fuck over the soldiers when they get home, and by proxy, their families. Let’s spend tons of money to imprison immigrants who just want a chance to have a decent life here in the states- but give jack shit to disabled vets and their families.

Another Newsflash: this isn’t making America great.